Journey Of Self-Compassion

Lately, I’ve been wondering about self-compassion. It took me awhile to really grasp this strange concept because I worried it meant going soft or compromising my edge in some way. I was wrong.

I learned that self-compassion is essentially the act of treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding as you would offer to a good friend. Plain and simple. Think about all the ways you would support and love your best friend. That’s exactly how you show yourself compassion.

Important note: Self-compassion is void of judgement and comparison and based solely on how we relate to ourselves. I think of it as an inner kindness.

Three Components of Self-Compassion.

Dr. Kristin Neff is a renowned research psychologist and pioneer in the field of self-compassion. She has studied the crap out of self-compassion and determined it to be comprised of three elements.

• Self-kindness: Treating yourself with gentleness and care.

• Common humanity: Recognizing that struggles and imperfections are part of the human experience.

• Mindfulness: Being aware of your thoughts and emotions without judgment.

Her research in the field has illuminated this crucial component, and her description of these elements paints a clear image of self-compassion.

Barriers to Self-Compassion.

A lot of us feel a bit weird around this concept because we’re so programmed to judge, measure, compare, and criticize ourselves. Self-compassion is the opposite of all that. So maybe it makes sense that common obstacles to self-compassion include self-criticism and perfectionism.

Self-criticism can be tricky to spot sometimes. It can be a quiet voice that says I’m not good enough to apply for that job. It can also be glaringly obvious but too quick to intercept in the moment. A slippery comment like I’m so lazy! Your internal narrative doesn’t always know when you’re joking. Anything you say can and will be used in that narrative.

Perfectionism is something I have personally struggled with over the years. It comes in the form of finding fault in almost everything you do, procrastinating on a project because you’re afraid to fail, and even shrugging off compliments. Perfection, no matter how hard we pursue it, is an illusion.

These specific barriers mean that a lack of self-compassion can lead to anxiety, insecurity, and depression. If you’re constantly criticizing yourself or feeling like you’re not good enough, your Self will accept and believe these lines. If you discount accomplishments or hold back from creating that which you know in your heart you want to create, your Self will be left feeling rejected and less than.

Practical Exercises to Promote Self-Compassion.

I had to put effort into building this quality because, even after learning more about it, I couldn’t jump right in. It felt weird.

One thing I tried was writing a self-compassionate letter to myself. After looking up examples, I pulled together a little something like this:

I'm strong and I can face fear and I can hold space for my emotions, no matter how hard it is. I deserve to be a safe place for fear, as it rises and falls in my body. I am my best ally and I have everything I need right here inside me to get through these hard times.

Another thing I’m currently trying out is using self-compassionate affirmations. You can post them on your bathroom mirror or the refrigerator, anywhere you’re likely to see daily. I write mine in a journal. There are a ton of examples online, like these:

I forgive myself for my mistakes.

I accept myself for who I am.

I am doing the best I can, and that is enough.

In all my research on the topic, I have found one thing to be absolutely true. Self-compassion is a journey. And one worth taking.