How Do You Know If You're The One?

His words say looking for a relationship, but his behaviors tell another story. This doesn’t mean he’s lying. Instead, it might mean he’s open to passing time with you while equally keeping himself open for the real deal.

I have had many of those relationships – where I was in the relationship but, clearly, he was not. I was usually too insecure to ask where is this was going or too tired to leave only to get back on the dating scene. It was easier to pretend I didn’t care or think I didn’t deserve better.

Over the years, I learned to spot the difference between a guy who was just looking and the guy who wanted to commit.

There are (at least) five signs that he’s not looking for a relationship, at least not with me.

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Haphazard Contact

He might text you one day, call you the next and then drop off the face of the earth for a while before popping back up on your radar like nothing ever happened. You might meet for drinks, then talk the next day, then text later that night, and then nothing again for a week.

If he isn’t checking in with you on a regular basis then he’s probably nothing thinking about you on a regular basis either. Chances are he’s playing the field and still searching for whatever it is he’s after which means he didn’t find it in you.

That’s okay.

But you need to be aware that the time you spend with him isn’t going to lead to a relationship. It’s going to be more time that you spend with him and not with your next boyfriend.

The Dates Don’t Evolve

If all you do together is meet up at a local bar for drinks and light conversation, then he probably isn’t trying to build a relationship with you.

Think about it. When you are building a foundation for a relationship, it usually involves interacting on different levels in different places, like going to a show instead of the bar or having breakfast instead of dinner or hiking instead of watching a movie. You want to enjoy this person in other ways and see how they handle different situations. You want to meet his friends and family and introduce him to yours.

So if those dates are not evolving than neither is that relationship.

Last-Minute Man

Do most of your dates happen at the last minute? Does he text you at 8pm and ask if you want to meet up for drinks later? Or maybe he just invites you to meet him at the bar he’s already been hanging out at for the past two hours. Even if he’s not trying to take you home at the end of the night, he’s treating your interaction like an after-thought.

When a guy is investing his heart in you, he will also be investing his time and attention by planning and putting some thought into you being with him.

A last-minute date is not lasting long.

Sex Sex Sex

If he’s having more sex with you than dates with you, then he’s probably getting exactly what he wants. The rules on when to hop in the sack are always up for debate, and this is not about that first time. This about all the other times after that. If all he ever wants to do with you now is have sex, then that’s probably all he plans to do with you in the future.

The Writing on the Wall

Some guys, maybe even most of them, will be up front about their intentions. It may be a matter of listening. If he tells you he’s not looking for a relationship, then he’s not. You shouldn’t expect to change his mind, no matter how awesome you are.

If you aren’t sure what he’s looking for, ask. And heed the warnings above.

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The next time you find yourself wondering what the hogwash is going on, take a moment to reflect and be honest with yourself about what you see. We can sometimes add meaning or back-story to situations and events almost without realizing it. It might hurt to admit the truth about your current crush, but not as much as looking back and adding up the time you wasted vying for a relationship that was never going to happen.

You deserve better than that.