Getting Back On The Market? 10 Questions You Need To Ask Yourself First

The market. It’s a funny way to refer to something so intimate. And, yet it’s perfectly appropriate.

The market is where we browse what’s available, see what catches our eye, maybe try a few things on, and eventually commit to keeping one.

Sometimes we bring home a winner. We develop a sincere connection and grow that into a happy relationship. Sometimes that relationship fizzles out or hits a major roadblock or evolves into something that no longer resonates with us.

After a few days, a few weeks, a few months, or years, we find ourselves back at the market. Me, I’ve done this a thousand times. That’s not me bragging. That’s me empathizing with how daunting and exhausting and confusing the whole process can be.

It can be less so if we go into it with a bit more insight than maybe we have in the past. Instead of focusing on what’s out there, who’s available, and where we can find them – what if we try to focus on better questions, like what am I looking for?

It’s kind of like heading out to the grocery store with a list. You might not get everything you’re looking for, but the odds will be in your favor if you know what you want. Otherwise, you come back with whatever was on sale, regardless of its value.

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Use these 10 questions to help build your list:

1. What are my core values? How do I want them reflected in my relationship?

One of my core values is honesty. I want my partner to have this same value and act accordingly. I want my partner to be honest with me, honest with himself, and honest with others in his life.  

2. What qualities do I admire in others? How do I see those traits reflected in my life?

I have very busy friends. Busy like they’re not taking time and life for granted. More doing, less procrastinating. More action, less excuses. I admire that, and I try to be the same way.

3. What are some of my deal-breakers?

Qualities and behaviors that I don’t compromise on include dishonesty and intolerance, laziness and self-neglect. Deal-breakers are not always cut and dry and can sneak up on a relationship, so it can help to check in with those qualities and behaviors from time to time.

4. What’s my communication style? How do I express affection and handle conflicts?

This takes a deeper dive. I have found that I tend to be blunt, to the point, the opposite of eloquent. I also duck and cover when faced with conflict. I’m working on that.

5. How do I see myself spending time with my partner?

We tend to get caught up in the newness and focus on the together stuff early on in a relationship. We forget about the me stuff and how that fits into couple-hood. You don’t have to share everything, but it’s nice to have a few activities, hobbies, interests that you both enjoy (not just tolerate) – like a common ground to grow from.

6. What are my long-term goals? How do I see my partner in this picture?

Even if you aren’t looking for a long-term relationship, this is a good one to nail down. Because you never know when love is gonna bite you in the butt. Do you have a list of travel destinations, a career milestone, educational pursuits, a burning business idea, baby names picked out? Know what you want in your own life before you invite anyone to that party.

7. What does intimacy look like in my ideal relationship?

Some people love holding hands in public or cuddling on the couch or spooning all night long. Others need physical space or desire more emotional intimacy like random love notes and verbal declarations. Quality time together can also translate to intimacy for some.

8. What level of autonomy/space do I need for myself and see in my ideal partner?

This is basically knowing if you need to see/hear from/speak to your partner every day. Some of us like to maintain independence to an extent or simply enjoy the anticipation of catching up with our partner after a couple days apart.

9. How do I navigate differences and conflicts within a relationship?

I mentioned earlier that I duck and cover in the face of conflicts. I’d like to be more comfortable and confident in those moments, and that’s something I’m working on. My partner and I don’t have to agree on everything. But we do have to respect each other and take time to listen and understand where we’re coming from.

10. Am I looking for a long-term partnership or something casual at this stage of my life?

Knowing the answer to this can help you stay focused out there. Not everyone is looking for the same type of partnership. And that’s okay. There’s enough to go around.

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You don’t need to have all the answers on a laminated card in your wallet, but it can be super helpful to spend some time reflecting on these questions. Get to know yourself before you get to know someone else.