3 Things You Don't Do That Can Ruin Your Relationship

If you’re in a relationship, you know how delicate it can feel at times. Those emotions swirling around between you and your partner. The good, the weird, the exciting, the new, the familiar. And all the moments in between. Relationships are a wild and amazing rollercoaster. Here are a few behaviors that can ruin the ride.

1. You don’t see things.

We have all heard the saying, it’s the little things. Those little things sometimes go unseen. Helping with a chore or errand that’s a bit out of their way. Shifting a habit toward change. When we don’t see the little things, we can’t appreciate them. If we don’t appreciate them, we can’t encourage that positive behavior or affirm the positive emotions that come with it. This can lead our partner to feel, well, unseen and underappreciated.

How to open your eyes: Slow down. Take time to reflect on the day and think about how your partner was there for you. When friction comes up for whatever reason, try to pause in that moment and imagine your partner’s perspective. Better yet, ask for their perspective.

I can be easily put off by small irritants, like dumping clean laundry in a basket and leaving it for days instead of simply putting it away straight from the dryer. I’ve learned to take a deep breath throughout the day and do a quick review to make sure I also see the small gifts and acts of love, like a recently vacuumed rug or a full tank of gas.

2. You don’t say things.

It seems unanimous that communication is the crux of a healthy relationship. Just because we all agree on its importance doesn’t mean we all have the skills or experience to do it well or even at all. Maybe you were raised in an environment that didn’t value communication or where screaming and mudslinging were the norm. Maybe nobody ever told you how important your words really are.

In a relationship, everything comes down to communication. We have to say what we’re thinking and express what we’re feeling and ask questions when we’re not sure. If we don’t, nothing changes, nothing gets better, and nothing can survive. And this applies to the good as much as the not-so-good.

How to speak up: If you’re happy, say it. If you’re confused, ask for clarification. If you’re disappointed, articulate what could be better.

3. You don’t hear things.

That communication goes both ways. It can be easy to walk around and focus solely on how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. This is your life after all. If you’re not looking out for yourself, who will? But when you’re in a relationship, the idea is that you’re looking out for each other. We do this by paying attention when they talk and even when they don’t talk.

How to really listen: Whether you go first or they do, make sure you give your partner a safe space to express themself. That means letting them speak without jumping in or revving up a response or rolling your eyes mid-sentence, etc. If they’re talking, you’re Switzerland.

My partner and I came up with a Saturday morning coffee date where we grabbed our Starbucks and took a walk and opened the floor to whatever needed to come up. We agreed not to judge or interrupt the other and not to assume blame or guilt. We were able to explore tough topics as well as learn more about each other.

Nobody has a perfect relationship, and that’s part of the journey. Learning how to navigate your unique connection is just as much about doing the right things as it is about not doing the wrong things.